A F F I L I A T E S |

P R O F I L E |

E N T R I E S |

the sound of waves,
lapping the shore.
just like the songs you used to sing.
the gentle breeze,
caressing my face.
reminds me of you.
i see the sunset,
with your head on my shoulders.
your hand in mine,
we would have been so happy.
together.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Got this from an article that was posted on the Medicine Yahoogroups. It is an exerpt from the commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005 at Stanford. I think its something I've always believed in ever since I stepped into JC. Because you are ultimately responsible for your own life, nobody else should dictate how you live, how you interact with others.

Steve Jobs didnt have an easy life. He was raised by foster parents because his biological mother was an unwed college student when she had him. He dropped out of college, got kicked out of the company he set up, set up ANOTHER company, got bought over by his first company and eventually ended up back in Apple. I think his determination and resilience is something that I can learn from.

I'm afraid that the future ahead will be full of jadedness. Doctors arent exactly the happiest creatures on earth. But I dont wish to be like that. I want the happiness and fulfilment of knowing that I can and have made a difference to the lives of people around me. I want to wake up everyday not dreading to go to work. I know its tough and seemingly unrealistic, but if this is going to be the life I'm leading, I'd better be what I truly wish to become.

I think Physiology must be the most intereting subject I'm studying now. The understanding of the various concepts makes me feel one step closer to being a proud graduate of NUS YLLSOM. It's a sense of achievement that I will not get out of memorising anatomy or biochemistry texts. I mean, I feel good remembering and regurgitating the 12091238 enzymes in Kreb's Cycle. But I also know it won't help anybody. Studying might be tough, but its rewarding. For the first time, I feel that I can apply what I'm learning. =)

Chinese New Year is just round the corner. I wanna get my big fat red packets. =) And I want to drive car! Okay, driving test is AFTER cny on 22Feb, and still quite a fair bit away, but I'll inch closer to my driving license everyday (hopefully). I wanna shop too. But I've been spending wayyy too much money. I don't know if I should feel bad cos I dont really keep track of how much I spend. Been going out every weekend. Oh well. Shant let it affect me too much.

I've finished Acid-Base physiology. WHEE! now i will shower and then go to bed.

I was talking to my 41SAR friends about their army life, having heard that they were getting tortured by their scout men for being too lax and nice. ah well. poor guys. they're too nice for their own good. the mono-intake ones abit more difficult to handle yea.. =/ but they're having fun. from the way they're describing all the missions they're doing; they were getting chased by tanks, fired on by GPMGs, calling arty on them. AHHHHHHHHHH. sometimes, i wished life would be peppered with little moments of excitement and happiness, on top of the mundane muggeristic life i'm leading currently.

on to a happier note, i saw many ah bing ges who have nice cleanly shaven heads. really reminds me of the days roughly one year ago. $2 haircuts by tekong barber, one of whom we could never really tell if it was a he/she. well, as per normal. they're complaining about training and regimentation of the army. i hated that too really. but i know it changed something about my character. i was never someone who'd bow down to any other, i resisted authoritarian control over my life having had much freedom for the past 19 years. but the army was a place where i had to give it all up and obey orders, thanks to the rank and file system.

we can never have all the experiences we want in life. partly the reason why i wanted to join 41SAR as a scout commander was because i know i wanted something different from the norm in my 2 years of serving the nation. then again, medicine was something i could not resist. and i'm not regretting this path. but just that a part of me would love the camaraderie shared among the 14scout commanders. i know its a bond they'd share till a very long time... and i treasure these experiences.

the pile of anatomy notes are stacking up real high. i hate anatomy, but i'll have to start sooner or later. speaking of which, i saw a really huge BOOK OF HUMAN ANATOMY, like up to my waist in height in BORDERS @ wheelocks. its really good. has all the crap stuff we're learning. and its only 40bux. i'd recommend that to my counsellee next year. who needs snell anw. ahhahaha. =X okay, i shant be that mean, but really, snell sux. lol. if only raj came up with his own textbook for anatomy. life would be so much simpler with BIGPICTURE.

alright, back to acid base physiology. i'm finally finishing renal! =) yay.

there was once a woman who got into a serious traffic accident. her face was scarred beyond recognition. she had to undergo multiple surgeries to reconstruct her face. numerous operations and lengthy procedures. it took her 7 and a half years before she her last scar healed. during that 7 and a half years, she never saw anyone except her doctor and the nurses who tended to her at her home. now that she recovered, she decided it was time for her to see the world again with the renewed breath of life she was given.

she walked out of the front doors of her house. she saw the beauty of the apple tree in her garden. she smelled the fresh air. and she heard children's voices coming from next door. she loved children. she wanted to see what they were doing, so she walked up to the fence separating the two houses and peered over...

suddenly the little girl screamed. "ghost!!"

she was shocked. and she was hurt. because the very first time she dared to embrace humanity again, was also the first time she was shunned.

I've been feeling guilty about certain things recently. The fact that I've been spending like nobody's business. Then again, it's not really my fault. ARGH. I don't know which side of my brain to believe anymore, because they both sound equally right to me.

One side says, spend in moderation. The other says, if you think its worth it, spend it. Money can always be earned, but experiences and opportunities missed may cause a lifetime of regret, which I don't want. May sound a tad too severe, but I guess it might. Once time has passed, there's really no turning back. Thus I've learnt to spend less time studying and more time on maintaining relationships with people. =)

Time was well spent. I had a nice ICED MANGO MOUNTAIN on monday night.. It's not exactly a mountain, but rather a molehill. Nevertheless its quite pretty and I took a picture before we ate.









I have so many things to study. So I think I'll ... uhh, just sleep. Hahaha.

So, attempts at fulfilling my New Year Resolution have not been entirely successful. I swore to sleep early since school began in a bid to remove those unsightly pandarish eyebags from my otherwise flawless face. But I haven't been exactly doing that. Late nights due to DOTA, otherwise known as Depolarisation of the Atria, have left me tired and drained. I think I should try harder.

Then again, I only feel the terrible aftereffects of DOTA the next day when I'm made to climb out of bed at 655am and drag my feet over the cold granite tiles. It's only then when I begin to hate myself for staying up the night before. But when darkness falls, my fingers start to itch and I succumb to the lure of the computer outside. The cycle repeats. We humans are just so cheap.

I've been sneezing alot. I think its due to my pillows. I've been plagued with a runny nose and teary eyes all day. My nose is really sensitive to god-knows-what in my room. Every once in a while I'll suffer from this nasal irritation. I can only reduce my suffering by plugging tissue plugs into both nostrils. I do hope there is a permanent cure to this allergy. It gets really irritating when the mucus turns into phlegm and I get a cough/sore throat after that.

In three days, I will be going to cut my hair. It's long due anyway, since I'm beginning to look bushy. The sides are getting unkempt and flopping outwards. Not good. I don't think I'll get rid of the length though. Just make it more layered and easier to style. I still want my MANGA hair.

Toodles. Back to renal physiology.. which is a hell lot of SHIT, no PEE, to study.

sometimes, ignorance is bliss. im sorry.

when social circles intersect, it gets increasingly difficult interacting with people. and if oil mixes with water one day. would you treat the resulting as oil or water? sometimes, i dont even know what i'm saying, what i'm doing. its scary when i think about it. but what's done is done. no turning back, only moving on. we cant think straight when we're half awake. thats when something else rules the fingers, the words that we speak. its no longer the brain.

its the other half in ourselves. the dark side.

i'm editting my previous post. i realised i wrote in such crappy sentences i'd be ashamed to tell others i was from Raffles.

i was trying to say that it's a small world. circles of friends overlap, intertwine, and make babies (no i'm joking). your friends friend is my friends friend. i know it sounds dumb, but i'm obviously referring to different friends. ok whatever. but you get my point. i would have seen your friend somewhere on the streets of orchard road, or would have seen him in NUS at some point in my life before. and its so amazing. the connections. the 6 degrees of separation. maybe its just cos singapores too darned small for sociable me not to know someone.

oh well.

tmr's gonna be a short day. 830-1030 and we have completed renal physiology in like 3days. and we're moving on to acid base. GAWD. SO FAST. so i'm gonna stay back in sch tmr and revise my renal shit. then see what i'll do around sch. any bored soul who is gonna stay back and accompany me for any meal is gladly welcome. till then, nites.

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"i remembered from one of my fav tv shows, ally mcbeal said that if you find that a year has passed without any laughter or tears, then it's been a year wasted. so even if it wasnt the happiest year that passed, i'm sure you've grown from it. at least you've learnt that you've got to be happier and to find ways to be happier..."

one of the things that pop up in msn convos. its really simple. but it makes so much sense. the wisdom in simplicity.

Fireworks

a fiery red.
a cool blue.
a burst of emotions.

the red and the blue.
danced the night sky.
we sizzled.
didnt we?

the black of the sky.
the black of the dance floor.
set ablaze,
by your eyes.

little red lanterns.
gentle glows of affection.
warmed my heart.

a golden starburst.
that felt like dust on my face.
too fast, too high.
we fell like stars.

the farce,
of eternal beauty.
we were beautiful,
once?

fireworks by night.
invisible by day.
we are,
the fireworks.








and sometimes,
the more we think, the sadder we are.
so we'll just not think about it.
just think happy thoughts.
cos escapism cures the broken heart.

a friend sent me the link to a forum on the net. i read it and laughed. it kind of stroked a little bit of my teeny weeny ego. it was about how hard people try to get into medicine, what are the tips and tricks to getting past for interviews and all. its quite amazing how i got in so easily, not that i'm flaunting, but i didnt think i did as much as some of those who wanted to get in real bad. so i guess its a blessing.

school's beginning soon. i really dread studying.. but thats the life of a doctor. its gonna be tough really. just thinking about it gives me headaches. and i'm kinda coming down with a blocked nose which is turning into some sort of cough. urgh. sux. get well soon to me.

2007 has been a tumultuous year to say the least. on hindsight, it has been an emotional year. i wanted it to start off well. in fact, i ended the year at the same place where i began. and i still remembered the exact words that began the year.

in the beginning, when i first enlisted. i was looking forward to an exciting army life. where boys become men. but i was so wrong. it was tortorous, not physically but mentally. booking in felt like crap. and just the thought of it on sunday nights made me feel distraught and helpless. i hated the sergeants. and worst still, the fucked up PC. a bunch of losers. fucktards.

it was the only time i felt alone. so terribly alone. i did more guard duty than any viper warrior. i walked the BMTC schools more times than anyone did. but nobody knew. i cried in my bed because i was powerless. my family and friends felt so far away. but nobody knew. i could only seek solace in the telephone calls i secretly made after lights out near the vending machines. and even then, i felt lonely.

everytime i passed by school one's SOC course, i'd be reminded of something that i wanted so badly. the stench could not keep me away, all i wanted was a glimpse. i wanted hope. but i never saw it. instead i saw stars, in the cloudless night skies, which would have been beautiful. if not for the fact that i were stuck on that dreaded island. i saw beautiful lalang that waved to me when the wind blew and clear blue skies for the entire horizon. i always thought to myself, that we'd be looking at the same sky together. and it comforted me.

SISPEC. was thankfully a better chapter. i had brothers whom i felt more at home with. my bed buddy. without whom, sispec would have been boring and dead. really appreciated him. all the shit we had to go through together. outfield, standing in the rain, booking out for interviews and his gawdy coloured shirts. most importantly, the chronicles of maria and sir. i hope he's surviving well currently.

sispec was more just. and fair towards me. i respected 1SG Alan. despite his madness, he led us well. and i hoped i was hope. we only wish to be remembered. thats all. but we only remember events of significance. and so, maybe not. but then again, its alright.

i remembered medicine interviews. i sat on the edge of my bed contemplating if i should go down for the interviews that morning. it took me so long to decide. and i dont know if i went for the right reasons. and i was late. i had to cab down amidst the jam, all blur and flustered. i remember koh dow roon asking me the moment i stepped in if doctors should be punctual.

getting into medicine was a present. because i really never deserved it. so far, it hasnt been a breeze, but we adapt. we learn. and i feel that's one of my strongest points. to be able to adapt. i don't profess to be the best in the subject compared to my peers, but picking things up fast is a bonus. i might not beat them in the marathon. but i know, i'd be a fight for the sprints. and its something i'm proud of.

just a few days ago, the term social butterfly popped up in a conversation with edwin and joseph. it got me to re-assess the way i've interacted with people over the years. to look at the reason why we are FRIENDS. what began the friendship. and what's sustaining it. and sometimes i feel that its not that i dont want to know someone better. rather, the circumstances forbid such a possibility. and its just sad.

i will though, remain sociable and friendly, as i've always been. networking is important. but i'll still remain true to myself. and to others. that's my new year resolution. and i really hope 2008 will bring me more laughter and happiness. i began 2008 on a good note last night, watching the fireworks going off @ the esplanade. i really loved the chinese red lanterns and the golden stardust that looked like it was gonna fall on me anytime. it felt so close and pretty. if only it were really golden stardust. ahhh.

so adieu to the tears and sorrow of 2007. and let me embrace the joy and warmth of 2008. it's gonna be a better year definitely!

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reuben.
21.august.1988
leo.

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