A F F I L I A T E S |

P R O F I L E |

E N T R I E S |

the sound of waves,
lapping the shore.
just like the songs you used to sing.
the gentle breeze,
caressing my face.
reminds me of you.
i see the sunset,
with your head on my shoulders.
your hand in mine,
we would have been so happy.
together.

i am very pissed. collegeboard is out to cheat my money. the scores arent out yet and they're not allowing me to change the recipients of my test results. SO BITCHY. and that means i've gotta resend to another 2 more universities, costing US $9.50 each = SG $34 roughly. DAMN THE ANGMOHS. then when i take SATS II, i've gotta pay another hefty sum. those bitches.. and then i STILL dunno if i'm gonna do well for my SATS I and whether its a dream that shud never have been. haiz. Nov 2 = SATS I results. god save the queen.

whats more, i'm not applying to damned Berkeley anymore.. or shud i? sigh. dunno.

ehh youtubes got a couple of cool videos! i think i studied too much physics "option of fluids" already. hahaha. actually i havent touched physics yet. but heck. heres the video on the slow motion travel of a water ballon. damn cool. like matrix like that. summore can see the water molecules travelling in the shape of the person's head before being subjected to gravitational force... enjoy.



ah. i'm quite a happy person today. dunno why. lalala. =D i think it must be that time of the month.. nonono. that time of the year. its HALLOWEEEEN!~ actually i dunno why i'm so excited. but its just that it brings back many many fond memories of what i did at halloween last year.. it was after a drama rehearsal and we decided to go party at orchard road after dolling ourselves up as ghoulish freaks.

someone said i looked cute in this pic. HAHAHAHA. =X



east meets west. the jiang1 shi1 and the frenchie vamp~. hot stuff.







the books give one knowledge, but at a price. nothing in this world is free. books rob you of experiences in life. once can stay at home and learn the world, but never see the world for themselves. so who ever said books were good. its a stupid generalisation, a bid by the pathetic adults to brainwash us naive little things into wanting to study, study and study more.

i'm already sick of this. the feeling of lethargy is overwhelming. everyday i wake up, and i dunno what i wanna do for the day. cos its mug and play games and mug and play games. i interact with the computer EVERYDAY. but what can the computer give me? nothing. one day, studying will make students everywhere in the world idiots.

my mum told me she had a frens son, who before taking the As, told his mum he realiseed the meaninglessness of all these exams. 4As 2Ds A1. so what? he was one of the brighter ones who saw through the mirage many of us have our eyes set on. after my As, i still have to write my stupid essays, take my SATs II. life still is like shit aint it?

i'm just bored of all this. 12 years of studying already. the best years of my life, my youth has been wasted on fucking useless stuff. not like i'm assured of a good life because EVERYONE else in singapore is doing the same thing as me. we'll be stuck in a rat race, climbing the corporate ladder, trying to reach for more wealth, more intelligence, more prestige and fame and god-knows-what.

but yet, have we forgotten what human beings need most to survive? the family, the relationships we establish. books are but pieces of paper bound together. notes are but words placed one after another. notes or books cannot teach us to be a better person. ahh save me.

argh!! they went to watch deathnote! and stupid puyuns watching deathnote with his frens too.. sian. now got nobody to watch with liao. and once my As are over, i think the show will be over too!! =( WHYYYY!!! regret. i regret not going out yesterday. so pissed. haiz. but i didnt noe the ppl also. =( arghh~! regret sux. regret is the worst feeling on earth. nooo~~~!!!!!

slowly its going away.
like a tide that's come rushing in,
swiftly it will leave.
maybe what i saw, heard, felt,
was but scratching the surface.
but at least i believed in it.
everyone loves to chase fairytales,
but when we wake up,
life goes on.
and its life that matters,
not dreams.

==============================

on the topic of dreams, i think i've got the most horrific dreams last night. two bad bad dreams. not those naughty kinky kinds, or those ghosty nightmares, but those were dreams that felt real enough to come true some day. maybe its a premonition. maybe someone up there's trying to tell me something?

my first dream was weird. i did rmb it when i first woke up. but now, its abit blurry. like the view outside my window. stupid haze. its so bad because it feels like someone toggled the transparency function on Photoshop for the scenery outside. what was supposed to be black (cos its blardy night time now) has a layer of white covering it. something like when ur contact lenses are dry and are about to drop out that kind of view. zzz.

anywway back to my dream. i dreamt that we were at some cycling compeition. dun ask me how or why because dreams were never made to make sense. then before we got to the part of the cycling competition, i remember i was sitting in someone's car. then for dunno wad reason i got off. and out of the blue, a motorcyclist in bright yellow was trying to kill me by running me over. hm. of course i was trying to dodge and all. and yea, didnt die in the end. dun sound disappointed. i would have loved to know how it felt to die, but i think being banged down by a motorcycle in a dream hurts too rite? =X

there was another dream. it was more sombre. and i dunno. i dun think i'll blog about it.

meanwhile recent updates on my life. i think its around 2+ weeks to my A levels. and yes, i think its time to wean off dota as SOMEONE put it SO nicely. please i can live without dota. i think it's more conducive if i dun stay at home. away from the distractions of the computer and warcraft. sigh. and i wanna watch a movie. i'm so bored at home. feel like going out. I WANNA WATCH DEATHNOTE.

oh and i'm enlisting on the 11th of January, at BMTC School 2, 130pm. PLEASE BE KIND AND JIO ME OUT BEFORE THAT SO THAT I CAN SEE ALL MY DARLING FRIENDS BEFORE I LEAVE FOR HELL ON TEKONG. lol. =D ahhahaa.

omg. i'm so scared. =X its around 3 weeks to my A levels, but i'm not feeling the adrenaline rush yet. the "i-must-mug" mode has not set in and its kinda freaky and destabilising because usually around the period now i'm going to get all jittery and butterflies, swear off dota and stay in my room to mug. i hardly feel anything near it yet.. god bless me.

and my hair is still so short at the back!!! i want it to grow grow grow grow grow back quick. anyone noes how to make hair grow fast? smother it with honey? wash it with milk? eat more hairy stuff? so short! and only got one and a half months more! argh, make my hair grow!

i cant wait for the As to finish. i cant wait for SATS II to finish. i cant wait for my uni applications essays to be finished. i want december to come. i wanna go out, breathe the fresh air (hopefully the haze would have cleared up by then), and enjoy myself~!! aAHHHhhhhh help me! some weird bug in my head tells me that i wanna watch Deathnote. i looks like a good show. lol.

i went out last night, and whatever i saw, heard and felt last night has made such an impact on me that i need to write it all out.

i went out last night to get a brief respite from the mugging of A levels and SATs, not as though i've studied very much. but i must say, it was worth it. that 5 hours or so that i spent outside the house has made me learn more about myself and really think about what i want in life as a person.

i saw a group of people, who despite different backgrounds, came together as a group of friends who could understand each other. what touched me wasnt so much the fun, but it was the earnestness of feelings. there was a couple amongst us. they didnt say much, but as a bystander, one could feel that in their silence, constantly in their minds were the other party. things that can be seen do not last, but those that cannot, will last forever.

throughout the night, it was just a very sweet feeling. something which i've not seen or felt for a very long time. it was good to see that love was once again in its purest form. but at least they dared to go out and achieve all that they've believed in. a courage which i do not possess.

seeing it has made me ask myself. what is the most important thing in life? issit god? happiness? love? experiences? money? no doubt all of these are important in one way or another. yet how do we prioritise them? if something or someone has failed us, do we have the courage to once again put it as our topmost priority? i came to a conclusion: finding someone who can understand us and love us is the most impt. whoever or whatever that can satisfy that criteria will be in top place.

they were the ones who gave me hope. it was an untainted love. when one gave, the other reciprocated. i wish, i wish, i wish.. sigh. i sincerely wish them all the best. prove to me that such a love exists, and maybe then, i will dare.

Grey's Anatomy: human beings need many things to feel alive...

Family

Love

and Sex.

how true...

importance is relative.

my mind is filled with a whirlwind of oxymorons, a collection of ideas and thoughts which i cannot coherently express in words. its funny though, because things that cannot be put into words, can only be felt with the heart. knowing that i am loved doesnt always imply that i feel the love given, that I feel that I am loved. knowledge of the love is one thing but experiencing the love is another. and yet love is one of the many things we as human beings face in our daily existence, otherwise known as life, because our inner demons seem to battle constantly. (to the inaugurated, no, these pesky little things do not seem to require any rest) logic versus faith, where faith has always been belief in the unbelievable. and belief versus reality.

to sum it up aptly, it would be the quest for the last digit of pi. you know the answer is from 0 to 9, but u'll never know which digit it is. similarly, you know that the correct answer to all your problems is there somewhere, but you dont know which is the correct answer amidst the many.

everyone wants to feel important and feel loved, at least once in awhile. i'm clinging on to a dying hope. move on move on, many have said. if i give up now, would i live to regret later because i've totally given up? but if keep a glimmer of hope, will it be this glimmer of hope that will eventually lead to a happy ending? or will it be this glimmer of hope that will time and again scar the wounded? hope is a dangerous thing. how apt. theres not much time left.

sigh.

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reuben.
21.august.1988
leo.

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