A F F I L I A T E S |

P R O F I L E |

E N T R I E S |

the sound of waves,
lapping the shore.
just like the songs you used to sing.
the gentle breeze,
caressing my face.
reminds me of you.
i see the sunset,
with your head on my shoulders.
your hand in mine,
we would have been so happy.
together.

haha. todae was probably a bad day for many people. it was ok for me. lessons as usual. charissa's threatening to change class. rongsiu's jumping on the bandwagon. the two of them have no qualms about leaving this poor soul to rot and die in this hostile antibiotic environment which does not possibly support the life of a reuben species in the class. hell. who cares. argh. these people leave lor.. like i told kat, i'll just wear a band of different colour in remembrance of you. orange for kat who went to njc, red for rongsiu whose changing class. charissa can give me another band then i'll wear it to remember her.. ARGH. all these heartless creatures.

biology tutorial was cancelled. comes as a blessing though. gotta watch a movie, Ms Congeniality, and i conveniently skipped jap cos it was so dumb and out of the way. it was a good show. sandra bullocks is SO funny. shes really very funny. great actress. nothing much happened IN the cinema. except me playing with aloysius and stuff. lol.. the pepsi nonsense. =P

i'm constantly learning more french. its a good thing.. i noe words ranging from putain to chienne to genie to radin and grand and boules and other things larh. setence structure and stuff. i must try to speak something in awhile.. hehehe. afterall, mes professeur de francais sont etudiants avec 11A1s. alors, je suis aussi tres bien. =) something like that larh. thanks to les jumeaux, shumin and trier who have been putting up with my incessant asking of stupid questions which probably seems so simple to themm.. my french is improving! even in the naughty sentences..

just forget it. argh. its blowing out of gargantuan proportions. i must make it clear. i meant nothing of malice in whatever that i wrote two days ago. and yes. i noe that i may have seemed PMSy or wadeva. aiyar. its some personal thing and its fine now. now that its over. lets not rake up the past ok. dun want that bitter aftertaste still lingering over things that happen like 10million years ago.

i didnt blog yesterday. was SO SO SO tired. slept @ 10pm. a record since school started. for the past 2 nights (before last night), i've had around 6 hours of sleep. having to wake up at gay hours of the morning i.e. 6am just to be there on time for O2 meetings that make me so sleepy. so i had to wake up at 815am to get to changi airport to play tennis at 10am. GRRR. ok. so played tennis until around 130pm. ate lunch then saw pangwei and gilliane eating lunch also at changi airport. hMM. leaves us to wonder what THEY were doing at such an out-of-the-way location having lunch. lol.

won 1 out of 2 doubles games. me + aloy vs hulin + wei = LOST. me + hulin vs rui + aloy = WIN. hahaha. singles. beat aloy 6-2, lost hulin 1-6, lost rui 2-6. aiyar. wasnt planning to win many ppl anyway. i'll go hone my skills and come back soon. and i'll be better at it.

today was of course easter sunday. nothing much. got home slacked around. played com watched tv. must study bio.. SOON. test in week four. i better finish my cell biology soon. i already know the rough idea. now for the details!

through a conversation on msn, i realised that i am a highly possessive person. whatever that is mine, HAS been mine or will be mine. and i will get what i want (most of the time anyway) which makes me a very headstrong person. and once i get it, either that thing stays with me forever or something comes in between. of course when that happens, *evil grin* that thing that comes in between wont have a very good end larh. =) usually i win. so yup. i think i'm mean and horrid and all. but thats me. when i set my heart to it, not many ppl can oppose it. unless you're more powerful than i am.

i do not lead a delusional life in which i think i am all powerful and everything. but usually thats the case. i think i'm a bitch at times. but to the people whom i treasure and my good friends, i'm VERY nice. but of course, i've got a bitchy side too. if u happen to be bitched at rather often, chances are that u're not in my good books. despite that, i do bitch alot at close frenz too. however, that is usually frenly bitching, which is different, because i mean it as a joke. however sometimes, if u watch me carefully, u will realise that i dun mean things as a joke. even though i may laugh and stuff. sometimes i mean what i say to certain people.

well of course. only if you understand me well enough. then u will noe when i'm mean bitchy and when i'm frenly bitchy. its just me.

the PMS.

Common Name: Pre-Menstrual Stress
Scientific Name: i-bitch-at-everything
Symptoms: lower lips may tend to curl up into the shape of an upside down U. person is usually very quiet and tends to abstain from talking. severe cases may lead to discolouration of facial features resulting in a black hue over the face.
Cure: may require certain amount of psychological therapy in the form of counselling. either that or extremely funny jokes may aid in the removal of the upside down U on the face. the most effective being a hug and a cuddle. may work better if kisses are involved.

i realised. i ALWAYS pms. hahahaha. i dunno why larhh. but it usually stems from unhappiness with a person. and it usually stems from jealousy. when jealousy comes knocking at my door, i find it really hard to turn her away. shes this green little thing that comes creeping in when u least expect it, and when u noe its there its too late to get her out. the only thing that makes her leave is either laughter or the person you hate is gone. =) sometimes a dash of vinegar to suan the person may aid in the relief, but it eventually fuels it into a bigger demoness and is not advised.

power is important. when u have power, people listen to you and take your words. but when you DONT have power, dun try to act as if you have power. especially in a group of people. somehow i think the idea of bringing people in and out at their own will without consideration for others is SOMEHOW disturbing. one must seriously know the limits of their own power and not try to overstep boundaries. i do realise that sometimes when people overstep their boundaries, they become really irritating, (i've got the perfect example) and it causes quite a lot of unhappy feelings. sadagam tadagaimes ahdagai theedagink thadagat sadagam peedegee perdergle shudegud nodegot bedegi idegin videgite tedeged todegoo theedegings. ehdeges pehdeger sheredege leedegee girdegyrls whudegoo arhdegah nodegot clodegose todegoo ahdaguss ehdeget ordegall.

ok. happy note.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RUI AND WEIWEI~! =) HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY! LOL. hope you liked the prezzie that i got for the both of you~! the pink shirt.. hMM. the billabong black tshirt not bad larh huh. actually i think both arent too bad. but the impt thing is what you view of it.

today was a LONG LONG day. started off with a phone call at 12am in the morning to the moks. they were so dumb. omg. i called 3 times and only on the third time he picked up cos he said that he didnt realise the phone was vibrating?! cant blame him larh.. cos it was 12midnight, plus he had a long day the day before. but thats highly unbelievable coming from an 11A1-er. i was the first to wish rui, but was the 3rd to wish wei i think.. cos when i called i talked to rui first, then the smses came in for wei already. so aiyar.. not too bad larh. for rui it was REUBEN =), hulin, mrs tay. wei.. i think was hulin mrs tay reuben or sumthing like that. dunno larh.

slept then woke up @ 6am for O2. went to school. found the moks, gave them their prezzies in the morning. then we went for O2. basically it was very much slacking around, talking and stuff more than anything else. kinda boring anyway, sneaked off to the dance studio before the war games and stayed there for a while to enjoy aircon. then went down, went for station games, then met up in the canteen. went back to the hall @ around 11am ++ and played a few games of bridge. i must say the level of bridge in RJC seriously sux bad shit. or it may just be the people i was playing with. my partners for most of the games didnt noe how 2 play bridge well. kinda miss the RI days.

after bridge, instead of the CIP project the dreams@kolam ayer thing, we went for the CIP @ SAVH. cos the moks were scheduled to go down on thu, so they told me to come along since my thing tmr (on Good Friday) would be cancelled and i didnt wanna go so far away. so rui and i went for lunch @ macs while wei went with his OG for lunch or sumthing in RJ canteen. he came to meet up with us later. had an interesting talk over lunch with rui and.. oh yea. the chocolates were absolutely delicious. =) SOOOO nice. =P in order to keep the chocolate in shape, we koped ice from 7-11 without the woman noticing. wahahahah. :) then we placed it in the bag of chocolates and froze the chocolates.

took 156 down to SAVH. then on the way ETs brother saw us and fetched us in cos he was going there also, to liase with the people there for some guitar concert. lol. nice guy. he was talking abt his old RI days 30 years ago and how they read for the people to type on the braille typewriter thingy. hhahaha. did the 3 hours, then took a bus down to orchard. then became my PMSy self. maybe it was cos of certain people. i dunno. i realised some people are so sweet that they become really sticky and its irritating sometimes.

the people who were there: rui, wei, aloy, hulin, ngiap, weixuan (aloys wife), denise and xue ying. ate at far east there the ramen ten and we got some bento thingy. wasnt too bad. but not filling actually. nvm. we sang them a bdae song and to our surprise, the people actually gave out free cakes. WAHAHAHA. it was one at first, then we told them they were twins, so they gave another one. so cute rite. aloy was saying that we shud come everyday and just sing bdae song for free cake. ahahah. =) spastic. took pictures then we left for home cos the moks needed to celebrate with their family.

all i wanna say is that i hope that both of you have had fun on your birthday. yup. hope u liked the prezzies and everything.. =) and oh yes. you owe me a hug. HMMM.

Cognitive Dissonance shall be the title of my blog entry. So inspired by our dearest sis in christ, ms zing-a-ling-a-ling. =) hahahah. shes studying psychology or somet nonsense noww larh. hence the title. its some theory came up by weird psychologists stuck in some ancient castle observing human behaviour and trying to come up with weird theories to explain it.

I quote: "Cognitive dissonace occurs when there's a clash of attitudes, beliefs and values. what all humans are structured to do, is to change our attitude to reduce this imbalance." For example:

A likes B as a donkey.
A thinks that B is A's best donkey.
B thinks that A is not B's best donkey.

There's an obvious clash in beliefs between A and B and A is upset. this is cognitive dissonace. Psychologists say that there're 4 methods A can use, to remove this imbalance.

1. A can convince himself that he does not like B as a donkey.
2. A can convince himself that he actually thinks that B is not his best donkey.
3. A can convince himself that B actually thinks that he is B's best donkey deep down, just that he needs some time for the truth to sink in.
4. A can convince himself that this donkey issue is not important to him at all and it does not matter if their opinions are different and forget abt this whole donkey nonsense.

What i wanna say is that neither A nor B was at fault. A was questioned by C and D, outside the presence of B, abt who he thought the best donkey in his opinion was. Of course A told the C and D that B was the best donkey, in his opinion, without much hesitation. Then B came along and was questioned by C and D if he thought A was his best donkey. At first, it turned out to be some kind of joke because B reflected the question away. A tried to dispel the awkwardness by laughing about it as well. But deep down inside A wanted to know if B ever thought he was his best donkey. Much to his disappointment, B told C and D that A was not his best donkey, and B never had a best donkey in his opinion. A was definitely hurt.

Sometimes i wonder, if you give your all to a person, do you expect the other to give back his/her all to you. The theory of reciprocation. Sometimes its not the big things that people do that make your day or utterly make you depressed, but its always the small things. Sometimes so small that people rarely notice, but these little glass shards of fibreglass are still sharp enough to pierce and inflict deep wounds. Not long and deep like the cut of a knife, but painful enough to be noticed. At the end of the day, when you give up so much, you always leave yourself vulnerable. What if he/she doesnt give back to you as much? What if he/she doesnt even notice your effort? i dunno. maybe sometimes the knowing that you'll be disappointed hurts more than the disappointment itself, just like the fear of injections is more fearful than the injection.

tu comprends?

sigh. sad. the worst has come true larh.. there wasnt much that i could do anyway. but yea.. i'm kinda sad that kats having to appeal to try to get into RJC. looking on the bright side, 3/4 of our cliques definitely staying in RJ. just praying hard for the last 1/4! you can do it girl! =) i really hope that u'll stay in RJC larh. NJC probably sux. lolx.. no larh. i've got frenz there also. u can go find him. but hes j2. so yea, u'll probably feel weird, but all the best girl!

today was yet another slack day. i told myself would study bio. but yea. ended up slacking the whole day away and sleeping my afternoon away like i always do after lunch. i keep on waking up early nowaday like 1030am. which is highly surprising. cos i sleep at around 12midnight everyday, so its kinda weird i pop up and cant sleep after 1030am. hmm. somethings wrong with my body clock. but its a good thing.

didnt even play computer todae. so bored. wanted to talk to ppl. mum used phone argh. so yea.. nvm tmr larh. =) i finished writing cards todae. yay. the cards actually look nice. but needless to say, everything that i've done IS and WILL BE nice. so yupz. quite proud of myself.. but my mum thinks i'm spending too much time. i think she thinks that i'm weird. yea.. i must stop myself from being too weird. later her imagination will fly and stuff. and with my intuition, abt her intuition and her body language, i think she suspects something. but shes mad. cos her suspicions are unfounded. lolx.

tmr will be o2. i'll be an ogl. like OMG. yea.. so i dunno larh. hopefully it'll be fine. meanwhile i've gotta learn how to wax my hair and wake up @ 6.10am. ARGHH. why so early?! life sux.

i've got SO SO SO MUCH to say after not blogging for like a few eons.. nevermind. i shall begin on what happened on saturday and slowly progress on to what has happened over the past few days.

Saturday!

tennis in the morning with the moks, aloy and hulin. started off with playing against weiwei. hahahah. lost *duh* nearly won the first game i guess. so close. then lost everything after that. 6-0. terrible isnt it. then was a game with aloysius. hahaha. started off from 1-0 to aloy, 2-0, then 2-1, 2-2, 2-3, 2-4, 2-5 and 2-6, and i beat him. muahahahaha! =) not bad arh.. then we started playing DOUBLES. my first partnership with aloysius.. MUAHAHAHA. it was SO good. we challenged hulin and weiwei. we were down 3-0, then we fought back to a 3-5... hahahah. then argh. hulin and weiwei took it to 7-5 and beat us. :(

the other one was a partnership with weiwei vs hulin and rui. yes. i am jinxed ok. anyone who partners me shall die. or so it seems larh. i dun feel like playing tennis doubles anymore in my life EVER again. sigh. i'm sorry ok weiwei. it seriously wasnt my fault that i dragged u down.. i mean at the end of the day i feel bad for breaking ur tennis doubles winning streak ok. i really was. i dunno. maybe this saturday i wont pair up with anybody else except aloysius ok.. so as to prevent the rest from having to face a bleak future with me. i noe. i'm kinda like the most lousy in tennis over there. and everybody's probably fighting to not partner up with me. so i'll just sit out ok? sigh.

tennis then we went orchard to get my rj sch uniform. it is SO freaking expensive. bibi and baba dominates this stupid textile industry for a million schools larh. top was $11 bottom was $18. grrr. and i bought like 3 on top and 2 below.. 69 bucks larh. madness. daylight robbery for like a set of purplish thick and uncomfortable uniform. got size 15 on top and 32 below. the pants hang on to my butt for dear life cos like the next smallest size is 30 and it hugs my butt like theres no tomorrow. so i had to settle with 32. the moks insisted that i got 14.5 for the shirt, but seriously its all psychological. there was no difference when i wore 14.5 and 15 out. cos they couldnt tell the difference. i told them it was 14.5 when i was wearing 15 and they said it was fine.. :s psychology. all in the mind.

after which i went home and omg. this super embarrassing situation. i was leaving and this donation guy came up to me for donations. started off with asking abt my name. "Reuben" then the catch.. "Reuben, do you have a kind and charitable heart?" i was gonna slap him in the face, but yea i said of course i do. then he went on alot about how i should help and stuff. then he popped the question. would u like to donate. of course it was in the 10s and 20s. ahhaha. i just took out my wallet and showed him the then EMPTY wallet cos i already donated all my money to bibi and baba. had to give him $2 worth of coins. i remember emptying my whole coin case and i had to give 2 five cent coins to make it up to $2. i think he thought i was such a bitch. but nvm.. i DO have a charitable heart. grrr.

Sunday!

church. fast forward... then church ended. went off to *somewhere* to buy gifts for a certain two people. woah. i walked around the whole place till my legs dropped off. i walked and walked. looked and looked till i could find something suitable. then not only that i had to compare from here and there. then i walked back and forth till the shopkeeper kinda got pissed with me.. hahaha. nvm. in the end i bought them something different each. yup. i think they'll like it alot.. i hope they do. sigh. i'll be so hurt if they dont. but thats not the point. i noe i've done my best as a fren. its all up to them after this. =)

Monday!

long day. went to pasta for lunch. rushed back for my bio tutorial. so stupid. hot and sweaty. no tables, had to kope the teachers table to sit.. akshaay was blabbering away. couldnt be bothered. i knew all the stuff they were going thru. i'm good. so yea.. =) day ended. had jap. boring stuff. went home. yup. OH. i just remembered theres no school tmr! JAE nonsense. i'm praying hard that kat and rongsiu stay in RJC. poor girls. dun leave k? =)

special blog to Kat:
Hey girl, dunno if you're gonna read this, but yea. i SERIOUSLY hope that you're gonna stay k? you've been a wonderful peegy and a wonderful fren for this short time that we've spent as a clique and class together. esp all the times when u acted cute and pouted esp during dramafeste and the scandals with clement and all. its been just SO much fun having you around, and so much so that we're able to bitch abt CCP and her nonsense and ur hating her and everything. ahhaha. =) just really really hope that i'll receive good news from you tmr morning and that u'll continue staying in our class until 2006~! k?

special blog to Rongsiu:
the wonderful sidekick to the wonderful kat. =) hahahah. u two stuck to each other like glue for the first few eons of our class life. then i realised u were in moks OG. ahahha. the world is so small. it's been great knowing you as a friend. come to think of it, at least i can look back and say that i've enjoyed my first three months and i've even got pictures to look back at because you brought your camera! and all our wonderful narcissistic tendencies could be fulfilled because of your wonderful digicam. and if u remmeber mr potato, whom you so distastefully disfigured till he was a miserable wreck of carbohydrates and starch with like black eyes and gawd noes what, i'm sure u'll rememeber the fun we've all had together. just hope that you'll stay as well. and i await your good news tmr k?! remember to msg me!

i'm fine noww. just went to buy prezzies the whole day. aching limbs. tired like shit. shall blog tmr.. nite!

and so i live my life FOREVER in regrets. sigh. whats the point of living anymore. *sarcastic laugh* hahaha. for god? for others? for yourself? i'm probably the most confused and schizophrenic or hypocritical bitch that ever lived on this earth. maybe there are ppl more confused and hypocritical than i am out there somewhere in the world, but i really think i'm one of those.

sometimes i dunno if i find solace in sharing and airing my dirty laundry in my blog or do i crave the attention of blog readers. but where else? by myself? on my bed? spending nights with tear stained pillows under tear stained blankets just crying myself to sleep. i am a failure. as a christian. as a person. a son. a brother. so much for christians being testimonies to others. so much for the leader of a youth group. FUCK IT ALL. what is god. where is god? in seventh heaven. does he even exist.

to lead an exemplary life yes. more like being on stage and off stage. in and out of character. haah. i'm such a different person. talk abt other ppl being hypocrites. what right do i have in the first place? when im actually one as well. pot calling the kettle black. WHAT FUCKING RIGHT DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT HE IS A HYPOCRITE AND I AM NOT?!

a person. what have i done to others. you know how much i wanna say sorry and how much i feel as much hurt as you do. but everytime it comes out. i dunno how. but it never gets across the right way. all i wanted was to hug you and never let go. locked in an embrace forever. and ever. but no. fuck. i cant. u dun have a habit of reading blogs but really no words can express how much i feel sorry towards you. and everyday i just try not to think abt it because all it brings back is sorrow.

a son. ahha. who would want me as a son. my parents? i dunno how much of their love have i reciprocated. i talk to zhunrui more in a phone call than to my father in one week. u think thats the way i want it?! which son doesnt want a good parent child relationship. when u can actually share whatever fuck you're thinking abt in your mind all the time and u dun need to keep it all to urself. haahah. cold and unfeeling on the outside. but i'm just hurt nad soft on the inside.

a brother. yes. my brother fucking hates me to the core. i know i've done him wrong. can i just say sorry? no. against my image. much as i noe that i'm a bastard in the way i treat him, is that the way i want it? when i just see my mums frenz sons playing with their siblings. how much do i yearn for such a close relationship with my brother. to just be able to play around and fool around. maybe talk to him as he grows up. understand him. hahahah. i'll be glad if he even talks to me.

so what do i invest in. god. yes. the everlasting one. eternity. at the end of the day. who even noes if god exists. logical mind says YES. god exists. but do you actually believe it in your heart. why then does he allow for such things. u think i wanna be what i be?

i end up investing in people. but i realised people fail you more often than not. the more hopes u have in him, the higher the chance he will disappoint you. perfect example. i had nothing less of a perfect friendship. and i am still suffering the repercussions of it. if at the end of the day things could be as they were, i would be contented. but never again will things be the same. all i can say is sorry and i've been hurt as much as you have.

all thats in my heart now is hatred sorrow and tears. wtf.

today was SO fun. it was finally the long awaited POKE day. if u havent read my previous entries, POKE day is basically the day where we get to dress up in fencing equipment and yay. have a bout! =) it was SO fun.. basically we were split into 3 groups, and made to go round to the 3 different weapons and try them out. i'll give a short short explanation cum my thoughts on it.

epee: this was the first weapon i fenced in the round robin thing. basically its a thrust weapon (with a plunger at the end) and the target area is the whole body. i think it was my favourite weapon, either because i have a long reach or because i won poonsie 5-0 in that bout. so it kinda made me feel good. =) hahaha. its not too bad, no right of way, no nothing. just hit and go. he who hits wins. simple as that..

but i'm kinda like short for the weapon. i dunno. they say that most epee fencers are tall and have a long reach in order to do well. plus its a waiting game, which i'm not sure if i'll really like. well. if i wanna join that weapon group i must have ppl inside with me i guess. i dun wanna join something that only i join by myself.. which is kinda boring.

sabre: this is the most violent and fast of the three weapon groups. actions to score range from flicking to thrusting to whipping and just about anything that will enable contact of ur sabre with any part of the body of the opponent from waist up. just go in thrust and touch. it usually ends up with both touching the same time, but depending on the right of way and whether you "bluffed" your opponent into trying to hit you but miss and you counter, you or your opponent gets the point.

this is by far the most well liked weapon. a bunch of my frenz are considering this weapon. i'm actually fine with this. but this probably means a lot of lightning fast moves that equals alot of bursts of energy and training that comes from dreaded PT. argh. its kinda fun. but so much thinking involved. i think i beat poon in this as well. cos i got more points and i think i tricked him into attacking, but move back (i.e. he missed) then i countered, so i got the point. got the last 2 points as well. =) so either i'm not bad or poon sux.. i'd rather think it were the former. hahaha.

foil: last weapon. the intermediate between the sabre and the epee. not as violent as the sabre, but faster than the epee. this was the only weapon i didnt get to try out and the target area is the smallest. i.e. only the torso area, minus off the hands and the mask. it looked interesting.. but i never got to try it. :( sad.. thus i really cannot say much abt this just that its abit like epee in the sense that its a thrusting weapon. i must say i like thrusting alot actually. its easier than the fancy moves in sabre. lolx.

but yea.. each weapons got its advantages. i just cant wait till the next poke day. and i told myself that i'll challenge the moks. i must beat them. muahahah. not that they're very good. but wei's ok @ sabre. he happily jabbed the sabre into somebodys groin larh. poor jonathan. i think he can jue2 zi3 jue2 sun1 already. hahaha. from what i see, in sabre you must go all the way, just chiong and whack. wei is still too wen1 rou2 and cautious.. hmm. i must capitalise on that before he improves. ahahah. no larh. by next poke day hopefully all of us would be better already.

oh yea.. and something interesting. this girl actually bent a foil blade and poked rongsiu up her throat. it was like OMG. it just went under her mask and she prodded it larh. poor girl. i hope shes fine.. nothing serious though. but its kinda dangerous and looks painful. :( i must say i'm not bad @ fencing. if i can beat somebody @ 2 weapons.. then i'm not too bad for a beginner rite.. ahhahaha. i must excel @ fencing.

tmr got tennis again. 5 ppl. i must beat him. mark my words. grr.

today, woke up at a stunning 1030am. i couldnt believe it. like WOAH. i wanna sleep also cannot sleep. =) interesting huh. then ate breakfast, which was what i bought from the night before @ j8 before coming home, i.e. bread talk bread + 1 curry puff. didnt eat the curry puff though. ate it for lunch instead. slacky day. i realised that i'm spending alot of talk time on the phone. may be a good or not good thing. dunno. but i'm very sure i'm not the one paying.. :X hahaha.

anyway, didnt do anything much, slept my afternoon away. yes i am SUCH a peeg. but before that i vacuumed the floor lehh. such a good boi. everybody was busy larh. moks were at ppls house, benjamin had his emcee nonsense, james had his competition. argh. so nobody to talk to. nothing to do, of course sleep larh. then ah boy (my cousin) called and said he was coming over with his gf for a swim. ok lor.. so they came over @ around 5.15pm, changed and went downstairs for a swim.

came up at 7.30pm. they decided to bring me out to dinner cos he had a car. so yea. we went to j8, to find that the carpark was full. sadly or fortunately because i was kinda sick of j8 food anyway. i've been there for the past eon. :X so we decided to go to thomson plaza instead. made one big u-turn and went to the food court to eat. =) ate chicken noodles. they didnt have the thing i wanted. so yea.. nvm.

then came back, played games. tried to study bio but couldnt. so nvm. talked the nite away.. =) quite fun.

tmr's gonna be a long day? nope. not really. O2 in the morning. but i'm probably not going cos its so bullshit. then fencing in the afternoon. its poke day. HOPEFULLY we'll get to try all the weapons out. yea. it will be fun i hope. after that i dunno if i shud go to zhihua's house. hes having a party for all the ac guys. i'm not ac but yea i got invited so i dunno if i shud go. hm. or shud i go to rock. dunno. i cant think straight. will decide tmr.

till then...

so much has happened in the past few days. sometimes i dunno if i shud just put it down in my blog. sigh. its no longer private. i dunno. i shudnt. i must curb my urge to spill out all the things that i've done. sigh. why? even tho i feel so happy sometimes, i noe that i cant say it out. but yea. i dunno.

yesterday went for tennis with shumin, huanna and olanda. hahaha. it was SO fun~! went to meet shumin outside her house @ around 9am (supposed to be @ her hse by 845am but there was a jam and i was late), so took a cab down to SICC and got there at around 910am. not too bad. in like 5 minutes, olanda reached. so yay we started. started off by oh-ya-bay-ya-somming. teams were as such, shumin and huanna vs landa and me! =) ok.. if i can recount correctly.. it was:

4-6, 6-4, 5-5 tiebreaker: 7-2

huanna and shumin won the first set, landa and i won the second. third set it was at 5-5 but shumin and huanna had to go for class party, so we played tiebreaker and yea.. we won~! =) hahahaha. it was quite fun. hated it when huanna stood @ the net cos he was so tall and so good. he hit a few very nice balls @ the net. and shumin was famous for her magnetic balls. man.. i wish my balls were magnetic too. they always hit the line even tho it seemed like it was going out.. hahaha. so cunning~! but it was very fun.

today, woke up at a record of 1030am, to find out popular me had 5 msgs. hahaha. nvm. anyway used the com, then went out to buy lunch cos the moks came over. i shall never again buy fried rice from the stall. it tastes SO horrid. smells really nice, but when u taste it, its shitty. and it was 3 bucks larh. lolx. tasted like shit. :( nvm.. then we ate, and went for fencing.

they changed poke day to friday. so pissifying. always postponing it. so assholic. nvm. then yea. fencing was quite slack. doing all sorts of nonsense stuff and playing around. basically it was nonsense todae. then went for dinner. poon and aloy came along but they didnt eat cos poon had to have his dad fetch him home and aloy had food at home. jessie catering. i tried it before. not bad but very oily.. lolx.

we ate, talked a while then went home. aloy was disgusting. he mixed the coleslaw + mashed potato together and ate it like that. i mean. eew. sweet and salty together. not the best combi.

anyway i feel good todae. things are back to normal once again. and i must admit that i've tried really hard and its all paying off. cherish your frenx. never take them for granted.

sadly, i'm highly bored these few days. i've seriously got nothing to do except play computer games, and probably read up and do some bio notes which are terribly ICKY, not to mention thick and overwhelming. thus i have not been blogging for a while. just came back from hissoc RMUN briefing in the morning. parents left on sunday, i.e. yesterday. and i just came back from windsurfing yesterday.

it was a good thing that i went windsurfing. cos it was rather fun and despite all those small kids not being able to balance on the board, i am proud to announce that i can actually MOVE that flimsy unbalancable thing for a grandtotal of at least 10metres!! =) hahaha. not bad for a first timer who tried to learn how to windsurf in a few hours..

well today was kinda boring. regretted not signing up to be a liaison officer for RMUN. would have been more fun.. now i'm just rotting away this holidays and before i know it, its gonna end and my parents are coming back and its back to mundane sch life for 10 weeks again.. sigh. boring.. just read the newspaper. got 2 quotes which i really like alot.

"Happiness is all about realising that you can't control anything, and letting go of the idea that you can." - Actress Teri Hatcher. this goes out to my wonderful friend, (if you read my blog u'll know its u cos u always wanted to control a certain aspect of your live but u're slowly losing it) all i wanna say is that you'll have to learn to let go of whats outside your control. you will get anguished and depressed that you cant do anything, but thats life.

"In the end, you wont remember the words of your enemies, but the silence of your friends" - Martin Luther King Jr. so apt. =) i just LOVE this phrase. its so true and makes so much sense. i just thank YOU (another fren now) for being a wonderful fren always talking to me. maybe not always larh.. but its glad to know that you're back again. =) well at least i wont be lonely anymore. u're just a ring away. ahahah.

today was naughty. wonder why you said that to her... HMM. to get her interest in that subject? lolx.. u're learning the thrills of sowing seeds of discord. hahaha.

havent blogged for a very long time. i'm still alive. unfortunately. my parents will be leaving tmr morning and will only be back like in 4 to 5 days. not even sure of the exact date but yea.. =) hmm. that means a few days of freedom of the house to myself. but it also means i dun have food and anyone who can cook is more or less welcome to send me some foood. =) hahaha.

i shant blog so much. cos an asshole reads my blog without my permission. and i'm very pissed that he does. if u noe its you, stop it. and go away. this is private space. and i dun wish for you to visit me here. thank you.

school day, understood bio yesterday. today didnt have bio. tmrs like our last bio class. damn. so sad... hope to see that ms luo around larh. shes damn nice. =) wahahaha. did many things by myself today. =( nobody ate dinner with me, until aloy came along to eat dinner with me. so nice of him. cos those silly 3 girls left me to eat dinner by myself when i thot they promised to eat with me.. just wait. i'll get back @ u some day.. MUAHAHAHAH. *evil cackle*

grrrrrrz. had a weird day todae. insulted alot of ppl. very weird. or is that normal. it feels bad to have such little consideration for ppl's feelings. but i dunno. its just me. i'm becoming dumb and numb. cos my brain doesnt work anymore while insulting ppl. its on autofire. and i realised whenever i talk to aloy, i've got a nice accent. which is highly natural.. =( i'm going crazy. and it feels good talking to aloysius, because i know i can just go crazy. esp in that persona. i dunno why. it feels like.. i'm letting go and i'm flying.

hmm. shudnt have released the news so early. now all those evil strategists are having plans to take over my house already. grrr. lol. shit. today didnt understand bio and chem lecture much. the stupid lecturers went too fast for me. =( bio was on carbohydrates. lecturers shudnt go so fast. its so fucking dumb. cos in the end i dun understand, i make them teach again. then whats the use? theres no learning pt!!

anyway, i was late for my bio tutorial today. turned out that our bio teacher went for either some course or some overseas thingy larh. shes AFTERALL married to a french. maybe she decided to visit the in-laws this week. hence, we've got a nice j3 teacher who happens to be rongsius brothers classmate. yupz. quite fun. shes a good teacher. her brothers this eugene luo guy from TCHS who looks like wenwei and has a great fascination for science. shes not bad at bio, so i'm gonna make her teach me carbo tmr! =)

tired. sleep.

ok. this is a highly uninteresting day. =) but it was quite interesting as well. went down to church in the morning. didnt do much. normal stuff. then we had committee meeting, which more or less settled the programmes for the next 3 months. special highlights include a little stayover @ sentosa somewhere in june and some LANcooking thing they came up for the guys and girls. funnn.

i just got news that my parents and my 2 siblings are flying off for the states this sunday. dunno if its a good thing, but it sure means that i've got the house free from sunday till around thursday nite of my sch holidays freee. HHHMM. food for thought. havent thought of what i'm gonna do yet. but i think it'll be quite fun. hopefully it will be fun. yea. i dun wanna live 4 days of my life without my parents in a most boring unfun way. =)

physics lecture test tmr. i'm proud to say i've completed nearly everything i.e. all my subject tutorials, except for chem tutorial on chemical bonding and the transport across cell membranes tutorial, which i just dun feel like doing. Bonding hasnt been taught yet, so i cant do, but the rest are already completed. i feel good.

went down to bugis after church comm meeting to get prezzie for hulin. got him a pencil boxxx. i hope he likes it. its quite nice actually. =) havent designed a card yet tho.. will think abt it tmr. i want somethng along the lines of a collage.. dunno how it'll work out, but i trust that my creative juices will come up with something nice.

oh yea.. somebody has a total of 3 Reubens in his house. can u just imagine how blessed he is. theres Reuben-one, which is a green and blue fish! Reuben-two which happens to be a brown teddy bear. And Reuben-three which happens to be a cute little penguin, supposedly on his table. yup. i cant remember if i've given a reuben-four before tho. but i think it'll be soon.

then the other half has a reuben-A, which is a white dolphin. reuben-B which is a bear. and reuben-C which is a cute baby seal called SEALLY! (pronounced silly) =) well. i have mok-1, mok-2 and mok-3. mok-1 is my 2 year 6 month and 13 day old wallet, mok-2 is my 6 month and 13 day old cat pillow, which is on my bed.. and mok-3 is my 20 day old handphone pouch. i used to bring all 3 moks to sch everyday, but decided that mok-2 was too fat so i left him at home.. =)

tired. got test tmr. hope i do well. all the best to meeee.

wow. i talked for 3 hours on the phone today! nonstop! so proud of myselfffff.~! weeeeeeeeee. i love talking on the phone. esp when i've got nothing to do.. hahaha. =) sleep time. i've got church tmr. argh!

i realised that my anger / mood swings / bitch fits or whatever you call it, follow some sort of pattern. first it would be unhappiness with either people or certain events in my life. then after that it would lead to some sort of depression. next comes the trigger i.e. some dumbass who sparks off the whole thing by trying to be irritating. and the last would cause the explosion. where i either just be sarcastic to everyone around me (which is also rather often, but usually not cos i'm blowing up) or i'll just keep VERY quiet! =)

most of the time it usually ends at stage two. cos by that time i'm already very quiet and its like the calm before a storm. so i guess, i'm rather readable. i can be a book. =) and so yea. when reuben is exceptionally quiet or not smiling.. HMM. hahahaha. but hey. i dunno. i shudnt get into such nonsense moods so often. honestly, i dun want it too. but sometimes, it just pops up for no reason. like lunch today.. i dunno what happened also. it was just cos of a phone call. and probably cos there were so many irritating bums around. so i got pissed and stuff. yupz.

but anyway, but mood swings dun last very long. so its fine. =)

finally settled my DSTA scholarship and my MOE nonsense + some overseas attachment stuff. now the problem lies with the fact that i didnt write anything about the DSTA thingy on my MOE form. the DSTA scholarship allows for other scholarships concurrently, but the MOE one probably does not. and i was thinking of dropping the MOE one once i get the DSTA one (DSTA gives u $1k/annum for 2 years whereas MOE is $750/annum), BUT here the problem kicks in. i didnt indicate i was signing up for the DSTA one on my form. freak. if they void it becos of that i'll be really pissed. hmrph~! nvm. i will hope for the best. get both and dump the MOE one!

i just realised poor aloysius got CCP as his CT.. poor guy. now jeanne tan is an angel next to CCP. that whore. i'll make sure she gets a nice lovely letter about how loser she is as a teacher and how bitchy.whore-y. she was. just wait @ the end of 2 yearss. grrrr.

gp was slack. as per normal. he performed a magic trick for us.. so spastic. then class ended. went for lunch. and happily went for my first time @ Singapore Association for the Visually Handicapped. I was so dumb that i was sitting at the reception waiting for 10 minutes when i was at the wrong place. i was supposed to be at the school, not the reception. at least the woman was nice enuff to bring me to the right place. when i got there, there were already two ppl there. faustine and.. someone. shit i forgot her name. one was typing out the assessment book, the other was reading into the tape recorder. i had the privelege of reading out the entire nanyang primary school Primary 5 EOY science exam 2004 from front to back.

its just SO terribly scary how they do things in nanyang. p5 and they're learning about cells, vacuoles, chloroplasts and cytoplasm. i actually learnt all of that nonsense only in sec 2.. they shudnt accelerate learning so quickly. those poor kids. like some never ending absorbent sponge. crazy. no wonder ppl so stressed. read read read until throat really dry, but it was quite fun. left @ 4pm for fencing.

oh yea. next friday is poke-day. no. nothing to do with POKEMON. just that they're gonna let us try out the different weapons and kinda poke each other with it. just to let us see. about time anyway. 1 terms already going to be over.. and i havent even learnt anything abt poking. so i hope its fun~! tmrs drama camp. hopefully it'll be fun too~! =)

one last thing. i koped a dramafeste poster today. when i stepped on the bus, i was shocked that the 410 bus had a white blanket over like 4 of its seats. it was those seats where the passengers face each other. i thought why were they covering something like crates with white cloth. upon closer inspection, i realised they were the 4 white tudungs of 4 malay girls sleeping. the 4 were bending over on their stomachs so much so that i thought it was one big blanket. gosssh.

===
Les Miserables ~ "On My Own"

"On my own, Pretending he's beside me.
All alone I walk with him 'til morning.
Without him I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.
In the rain The parement shines like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight.
And all I see is him and me forever and forever.
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know he is blind, still I say there's a way for us
I love him, but when the night is over, he is gone, the river's just a river.
Without him the world around me changes, the trees are bare and everwhere the streets are full of strangers.
I love him but everyday I'm learning all my life I've only been pretending.
Without me his world will go on turning.
The world is full of happiness that I have never known.
I love him,
I love him, but only on my own."

some people are just fucking whores. and it doesnt help that they're good frenz are WHORES as well. gay fuck. yes. thats you and what you did. asshole. thats you and what you love as well. cowardly tiny brat piece of shit you are. for goodness sake. dare to do it. dare to face the consequences. when you say u love somebody. love that person with your life. dont say that you love him only when things are nice and smooth.

and you the other one. ones a fucking brat. the others a fucking bitch. make people come online. take 5million fucking eons to reply. when i obviously wanted to ask you something impt. but nvm larh. u're obsessed with that little brat. to whom from now on i shall be fucking mean to. and u think u'll get what u want? just wait. just fucking wait. i shall be so mean. FUCK YOU. and YOU.

when a home has lost its warmth,
does it still have any hope?
when a person's lost his dream,
will he cry, will he mope?

when the people all around,
have failed him once again.
his family, his frenz, his closest kin,
who can feel his pain?

love, kindness, patience, peace and joy,
who can ever have them all.
a waste of time, another ploy,
can they help u when u fall?

nothing lasts a lifetime,
only sorrow and depression.
for laughter, smiles just come and go,
in a fleeting fashion.

if u realised the ones u loved,
are not worth loving or respecting.
yet they're the ones u face everyday,
what can u be expecting?

their problems and their worries,
all take a toll on you.
when u're just an innocent kid,
live should start anew.

my rantings and my blogging,
won't change a thing too many.
for once i wake up tomorrow,
life will still be the same... sigh.

man. i've been so busy the whole day. shuffling between my 101 million ccas and doing nonstop stuff since.. i dunno. 6.40am? so annoying. i was awoken by shitty thunder and lightning at 5.00am. yes. i was so pissed. woke me from my wonderful beauty sleep. has been disturbed since then.. grr.

morning chem stuff. simple. shud be able to do well for tmrs chem test. hopefully. i dun screw up. then its irritating maths again tmr!! ARGH! hate chia chiew peng. i wish i could curse. but nvm. i shant. anyway, at 12noon i broke for lunch, went to the dead man's district to eat lunch with hulin, mok and aloysius. kinda hilarious the way certain ppl snapped @ others over the phone. oh well. shant bitch abt it. saw tang, jacq sim and the owl geog mainstream teacher. kinda forgot her name. oh yea. ong wai ling.

first started off with hissoc @ 1pm. at 130pm, rushed off for my wonderful interact club meeting. after which i ran off for auditions for the silly school play that wasted my whole afternoon away. i could have spent it better @ fencing. damn. anyway, the school play titled "daisy pulls it off" is some angmoh play set in like 1912 or sumthing along those lines and its a play within a play, i.e. we are acting as characters who are putting up a play for a school. HMm. food for thought?

basically its a stupidly sexist script due to the fact that the setting is in this ALL girls school. i mean. couldnt mrs perry change it to a mixed school. and so the only pathetic roles for guys is this head master figure (who was ACTUALLY a female role, but due to the lack of male roles, has been changed to a MALE one) called mr granville. not exactly interesting. then the other ones a very exciting one. i'd like to be him.. hes a russian teacher called mr swa-- something. cant remember. but very interesting. hes like some kind of schizo thingy.

yup. now i must complete the 101 tasts i have on my hand.. which has the word "mean :)" printed across the back of my right palm. thanks to shumee i mean tiffany. who thought i was mean to claudia cos we ALL think shes hot. and i realised i couldnt spell renowned, neither could i pronounce reminisce and reminiscence. :X my bad english. no wonder i'm a science student. tmrs a busy day. ciao.

My Declaration of Self Esteem

In all the world there is no one exactly like me.
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine,
because I choose it…I own everything about me:
my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice,
all my actions whether they be to others or to myself…

I own my fantasies, me dreams,my hopes, my fears…
I own all of my triumphs and successes, all of my failures and mistakes…
because I own all of me. I become intimately acquainted with me…
by so doing, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts…

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me
and other aspects I do not know…
but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me…

however I look and sound, whatever I say and do,
and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me…
if later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turned out to be unfitting,
I can discard that which is unfitting and keep the rest
and invest something new for that which is I discard…

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me…

I own me and therefore I can engineer me…
I am me and I AM OKAY. (and a genius as well.)

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images : parawan selfsteem
host : blogger photobucket
font: swimchick
background: kitn

reuben.
21.august.1988
leo.

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